It’s okay to miss you.

I never thought I would cry about you. I never thought that I would miss you so much that I would break down in the middle of the road. I never thought that unable to hold my tears any longer but not wanting to cause any trouble, I would walk away from everyone else and find a corner for myself to cry, saying I’m sorry.

I don’t know to whom was I asking for forgiveness, was it you or was it me? Or was it no one exactly? But I was sorry. For not having enough courage to tell you that I loved you when I had time. For not making more memories, that I would have passed down to my kids one day, of a man who shaped me for who I am. For not laughing with you on your silly jokes and for not sharing my own sillier ones.

I never thought I would cry about you. But I did. Second time was past midnight, when I was all prepared to go back home. I never thought I would remember that you ended up being the one who waited for me to be back home. You used to call me when I was on my way to check where I had reached so that you could be home when I was home. It wasn’t always like this. You were never home but you were learning and you were trying and you were mending. And now, there would never be you to go back home to.

I never thought I would cry about you. That I would miss you. That I would notice you were gone again. But I did. And after crying for an hour or more, when my tears dried up like a monsoon flood, I was thankful and happy. Because crying for you meant that I missed you. Missing you meant that I had loved you. I never fully accepted my love for you and I was finally allowing myself to do that.

I never thought I would cry about you but I did. And that’s all that matters for now.
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People – IV.

Some people think you represent light. Your laughter lightens up their day, they say. You somehow are always joking around, you are always full of hopes – of finding love and being happy, of chasing stars and turning dreams into reality.

Some people think you are the night. They would come to you on a full moon night but will stay away during the new moon. They think you are always sad; that you are the epitome of suffering; that you suffer too much – inside your head and outside. That you are always full of angst, anger and rants.

But your people are the ones who see that you live in the edge of darkness and the light. No, they know that there are more layers than just day and night. That you are the various shades of the sky in twilight. That you are sorted in your chaos. That you are full of life, because you’ve known death so well. That you are always laughing around because you live with sadness in your sleeve.

Some people think you represent happiness. Others think you are always sad. But your people knows that you represent ups and downs of life. And that, like life, you always move on.

You

Know that you can break my heart in millions of ways than it had been broken before. And the wounds you would leave behind would be so deep that it will take forever for the blood to clot. And I will have scars all over my soul, of cracks you left behind. Know that I was strong when those boys broke my heart. That I knew I would recover, it would just take some time. That I always heal. That I always move on. But you will forever be etched in my heart like a tattoo and the ghosts of your memories will forever haunt be like a childhood dream. Know that you leaving is something I prepare myself everyday for. Know that you leaving will still affect me anyway, in far worse ways that we can ever imagine. People leave or they die, I always say but know that you are not those regular people in my life. You were someone I would never risk having this close that we can listen each other breathing. You were always supposed to be far enough not to know hear the sound of our hearts skipping. Know that you are near now, and as much as I don’t want to burden you about you being home, but you are closer to it. Know that you were my friend first, the one I turned to in the middle of the night when my PMS is kicking in unknowingly. So I would rant and whine and say stupid things like I hate everyone but know that I never mean that. Yes, I hate people but you were never among those regular ones. Know that you were my friend first, someone I have always felt comfortable sharing my deepest secrets I never dared to share with anyone. You may not remember them and it’s okay. But just know that I will be lost completely if I lose you. Know that I will be empty if you run out. Know that none of those boys could ever break me but I would forever be broken if you decide to leave.

Know that you can break my heart in millions ways that it ever has been broken. Know that I just hope you won’t do it.

 

To you.

I was cold before I’d let you in. I was the one who left people because I believed that people always leave. And to protect myself from being heart-broken, I would break their hearts before they could break mine. I would run away from giving everything; stopping myself from falling too hard. I mean, I would fall too fast for people. And too hard too. But as time passed by, I would always bring myself together and let it go before I reached the point where I wouldn’t be able to let it go. And then I met you.

In your arms, I melted like the glacier lakes in April, bursting with love. I became the flood. But before I could flow through the rivers, you left after only few months, thus proving me correct. People always leave, don’t they? And if I wasn’t that afraid before, I definitely became scarred and scared of future and love more than ever.

But it’s funny how heart-breaks work. I grew up hearing stories on how heart-breaks and grief turned warm-hearted people into stone-hearted ones. But my story became an opposite one. When you left me scarred and scared, I thought I would never let myself fall again. Or experience the same thing. And that’s what happened for a while. I was afraid, I had shut myself up again. But man, I was wrong. Because the girl who always ran away from love and happiness suddenly realized that embracing them is much more meaningful. Remember how I used to tell you that happiness is short-lived and thus never mattered to me? Well now it does.

I was happy with you. I still remember the stupid grin slapped across my face when I was with you. I was happy for no reason all the time. Despite what was happening in the outer world, I was happy and I didn’t know things like that even existed till then. When you left, the dark days returned but having experienced light and knowing how much it was worth it, I became a light seeker. The one who pushed happiness away became the one who chased happiness. The one who didn’t take even a second to push people away became the one who gave them chances.

I became warmer after you left. My goal suddenly changed to embrace love and happiness whenever it come my way so that one day I may become as warm as the winter sun in the afternoon. I think I am still just lukewarm water for now. And it’s all because of you. Hadn’t you showed me what happiness and love is truly capable of, I would have never learnt that I was capable of being warm. And open.

I am not saying that I have gone on to believing that love and happiness lasts forever. I will be the last person to say that. I know it doesn’t and it probably will never be. But what I am saying is that, just because they don’t last forever, I no longer think I should be avoiding them or pushing them away. And it’s not that I am not afraid of heart breaks. I am, right now, more afraid of not just having my heart broken but also breaking someone else’s heart. But I still want to risk everything. I still want to choose love when and if it finally arrives. Because the few months with you taught me one thing – happiness is always worth it, even if it’s just for few moments. So I will risk another heart-break and another long period of sadness if it means I will be happy for a while. If it means I will love wholeheartedly for a while. If it means I will melt in someone’s arms and feel the molten lava coming out of me because of that love. Because love and happiness is worth it all. Because love and happiness is the reason why we are alive.

The end or the beginning

Remember the time when we looked at the chibahdyo in the middle of Thamel and tried to figure out it’s age? It was almost midnight and I thought how it standing despite the earthquake and me being there with you then meant something. I’d made you pass this chibahdyo during the day, walking the galli that would take you to my favorite coffee shop and somehow this very spot occurred to you when you had to give me the hug, the one that was supposed to last for a month, in that night. And this was where we looked at each other and looked at the monument, with many thoughts in our head running in the speed of a bullet train. This was where I put my walls down, let you in, and welcomed you in my life. This was where you told me you would be back soon, I shouldn’t be extra sad about you leaving, for I was already sad that you were.

But during the last few months, I’d learnt that the chibahdyo looked okay just from outside as it was almost all hollow from the inside. Right then, I should have known that this was also what was between you and I. We were perfect from outside but from the inside we were both fucked up and afraid. Assholes refusing to grow up and work with our issues. You were and still are stuck somewhere in your past and I was and still am afraid somewhere about the future. Today, or rather yesterday, as I passed around the spot, dreading to remember that night when you told me everything will be okay, I realized I can heal myself. Seeing the community members trying to restore the monument that is from Lichhavi period (yes, we were correct about the age), I realized I can also be restored. And I will restore. And I told myself that the chibahdyo that stood as the witness during the start of our story, will also witness me rising up from where I am, healing one messed up part at a time. And I hoped that you too will heal, and move on from what keeps you glued to the ground,  one broken edge at a time. Just like this chibahdyo.

A.N : This is part of the series I am working on called Mapping Kathmandu with Memories inspired by this post