I would rather

How do I start this article when I am not sure if this is what I want to do for life.
I would rather write stories, poems, spaces, silence, words, letters and symbols
I would rather listen to songs, poetry, art, notes, music, melody,
I would rather read hearts, people, love, emotions, places, details,
I would rather go on a journey, travel, get lost, wander and wonder
I would rather smile, shout, scream, laugh out loud, fall of the chair.
I would rather walk in the sun, rain, storm and cloud.
I would rather sleep, dream, eat, wait and let the world pass by.

Why can’t we just let the world pass by.
Why can’t we just sit in the window and watch people
Enjoy the weather,
Joke around with each other
And share the secrets with hushed voice.
Why do we need to write words we’re not sure we love,
Walk the path we don’t want to walk
Sign the checks,
Deposit the amount
Count the money.

I would rather write about you
About your dark hair
How I can’t breathe when I am with you
Buried deep in your arms
Thinking we’ve stopped the time,
Talking about the rituals & traditions
And that window near your house
And the missing flight
Debating about life,
Our favourite songs and favourite writers
Of the books you no longer remember name of
Of the stories which left a deep scar in my heart
I would rather explain how beautiful you look to me
In your gray tee
And faded pair of jeans
Trying to play me a tune
And your wrinkled face
As you try to remember the words
Of the song you used to know all by heart.

I would rather soak in the sun,
Drown inside our memories
Of you asking me to runaway with you
To a place faraway
With just 500 in hand.
Of you telling me
That I was too beautiful and you were too old
To be perfect for each other
Of us basking in the sun at Mangalbazar
With its red bricked floor
And getting wet in the rain in Bhaktapur
With its big ponds filled with golden fishes
And sharing a glass of tea in Basantapur
With its narrow lanes where bikes passed in speed.
I would rather look at you
And feel content
Not worrying what would happen next
Not remember the broken hearts
And the hidden scars
I would rather whisper in your ear
And tell you, you’re too beautiful
And I am just good enough for you.

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Things you need to do

I am that kind of girl who needs constant reminders. Time and again. Even to do things I love. Last night (after the goodnights and bye-byes) was a disaster. Today morning was more. So here is the list of things I need to remind myself of. Things I need to do. Because sometimes, you end up alone with no other clue. This one’s for the days like yesterday. 

a) Travel: Because that’s what you have been wanting to do since you were a kid. Go to places, meet people, laugh, learn and fall in love. Far and wide.

b) Write: Possibly a book or just words jumbled up together. It doesn’t matter, it never did. Just pour your heart out through words, because     that’s the only thing you know and you love (besides sleeping and eating of course).

c) Learn: Everyday, each moment. Improve on what you’re good at and what you’re not. By reading books or by experiencing things.

d) Do things: New things, or old ones that make you smile.

e) Make mistakes: Otherwise you will never learn a thing. But not the same one. Do not be afraid and definitely do not regret.

f) Be happy: And spread happiness. Smile, every time you’re alone. Every time you think you’re alone. Laugh, with you friends and family. At  your self and at situations you are in.

And finally,

f) Find someone, who cooks, washes, scrubs, cleans, sing, writes, reads, plays some instrument, cheers your team or if not, then at least not fight with you about which team is better. Because he loves you.

I don’t like this at all.

I lay on my bed closing my eyes, counting 1..2..3.. “Any seconds now,” I tell myself waiting to fall asleep. But I fail. Another day, as I fail again. To fall asleep, to write. My insomnia and writer’s stuck moment is back on track and I don’t know if I’m to be happy about being normal again or sad that I don’t have that I need to write vs I need to sleep moment anymore. It’s going to be like this for another few days to weeks, so I guess I better get hang of it.

What I wish right now to have is Caffeine. I would prefer milk tea but that’s not possible. I’m on my tea limit so I have to be okay with a cup of mango juice. I wish I was not though. I wish I could gulp down cups of tea or rather enjoy each cup with precise moments cherishing on the drink. The juice ain’t that bad but I would rather have what I wish. But I’m sure that won’t help me either given the situation.

And it gets worse you know. When you are being an insomniac and not being able to write, these ideas and stories come to your mind. The images of a girl with plaited hair and white dress walking down the damp, small , spooky gullies of Kathmandu Valley comes in front of your eyes but you can’t seem to do anything about it. You can’t get up and write because you have no idea what to write about. Nor can you go back to sleep.

And now I can’t think of stuffs to write about. I still wish to have tea though. But I will have to be back in my bed because tomorrow, I need to be an early bird. And tomorrow hopefully, words will find their way back to me.

Goodnight Folks!

 

Resolution 21.

Since I already kept a year review, I thought having resolution wouldn’t do any harm either. So here’s the list of my resolutions for this year (no 2070 B.S. or 2013 A.D. but for my 21st year).

  1. Change my look:  This year, I am going to get a new pair of glasses. And have my hair style changed. I am going to look better but still be me 😉
  2. Take better care of myself: After reading an inspiring Op-Ed from Angelina Jolie, I am thinking about getting a medical check up. Besides that, this year I will be focusing in being more healthy starting from drinking lots of water and eating right and exercise sometimes. Also, I will take care of my skin and my hair.
  3. Improve my writing: I am going to improve my writing. Learn more. Practice more. I am actually thinking about studying writing, but that’s still more than a year away phase. Anyway, I’m going to concentrate on my writing this year as I realized this is where I belong, among words.
  4. Read more: They say the first step in writing is reading. Same goes with improvements I’m sure. Also, I simply love them. Their smell and their feel. So, this year, I will be reading lots of book. Be a member of a library. Exchange more books with friends.
  5. Learn a new form of art: Well I am thinking of spreading my wings. A friend of mine time and again reminds me that we have got only one life. So, I have decided to spread out in terms of creativity. And learn about various form of art from doodling to dancing. Last year, I got a chance to learn Slam Poetry, I’m going to dwell into something else this year.
  6. Travel: And travel. Because I like travelling and not just be a tourist. I would love to go to places this year. Hiking, trekking, camping and just vacationing. I hope I’ll get chances.
  7. Help out mom: I’m not a big fan of kitchen works and other house-hold works but I would love to help mom around. Because I know, it’s hard to be a working woman in Nepal (now that I work, I realize that more).
  8. Minimize my negative emotion: Because nowadays I fight a lot. And I really don’t like it. Getting angry, having a heavy heart. Because I know, it hurts a lot to all of us. So, I would love to decrease the anger.

That’s it. For this year. Will be posting pics if possible to prove that I did manage to fulfill my resolution. See you when I’m 21 🙂

A Year That Was!

I know that usually a year review is done when the year is coming to an end. But I have been reflecting and reviewing it just before my birthday for many years. So here I am, before turning 21, trying to see how my 20th year of life went.

Last year like every year, I was excited about my birthday. Turning 20, leaving teenage years of life seemed very exciting. But just few days before my birthday, my family had to mourn for death of a relative. In Nepal, we have to mourn for 13 days of close relative (13-days DajuBhai) from the community (Guthi). So, I got all sad and angry for not being able to celebrate my day as others do it,  even if I hadn’t been celebrating it for last 2-3 or even more years. I mean a year before that birthday, I called a friend at almost 23:45, to remind him about that it was my day. Also, I had to walk for hours, trying to find a place and then return without any success. Thus, it wasn’t a big deal for not being able to celebrate yet still I felt sad. I mean you don’t get to be 20 every year now do you?

But a friend of mine, called me or rather chatted with me in facebook a day before my birthday to say that he has decided to spend a day with me for my day. I was sad and all cranked up, thus probably complaining about how I could not celebrate my birthday and to cheer me up and make me happy, he decided to be with me whole day. We went to Swoyambhu at first and talked about our lives (we were starting to get close at that time) and incidents. Then, he dropped me at a basketball tournament where my girlfriends had match. After winning the match, all of us went to Patan to have mo:mo and then back to Mangalbazzar because I told them that he would be coming. I witnessed Jaatra of Rato-Machhindranath for the first time in my life. And then we went to have a cup of tea and talk. I felt very special that day. And blessed. But it wasn’t just that day you see. I still got birthday wishes for 1 week past my birthday.

After starting my 20th year feeling all special and blessed, the rest of the year surely was amazing. I visited Bandipur in midst of Nepal bandas and Chakka jaam. Then went hiking with Kaka and Daiharu after returning back. Then I finished my undergraduate studies, started working and started this blog as well. And I tried haikuing. At the same time, I also had chance to meet Sarah Kay as I participated in a slam poetry workshop. I wasn’t planning to do that mainly because although a big Sarah Kay fan (or rather Phil Kaye’s), I always thought slam-poetry wasn’t my thing. But my friend literally forced me to take part, since he couldn’t do so as he was having exams and it was totally worth it. Sarah Kay seriously is amazing. I also did my first slam performance and ruined it by forgetting the line from world-famous song “Tears in Heaven”. Here’s the video if you want to watch how much I screwed up: Suv’s Slam.

I also made new friends while got more close with old ones. I attended a friend’s wedding donning up sari and everything. And I decided to take writing seriously. Kaka told me to be serious about my career and decide what I want to do for rest of my life. Being a social work graduate, I could either choose to be a community worker in any field of my interest or be a writer. I chose the latter one. Writing is something I have always come back to no matter what. Writing is something I would seriously like to take into next level. Writing is something I would love to do whole my life. Eat, sleep and WRITE and Read. That’s my motto. And travel. 🙂 I then got a chance to be a part of a team I am fond of. I have always been a loyal fan of theirs, so when they announced vacancy, I quickly jumped in.

But mostly I made memories. With strangers who became friends. With loved ones who are still loved ones. And with a friend, who turned into a beloved.

Looking back!!

Looking back!!

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