I lay on my bed closing my eyes, counting 1..2..3.. “Any seconds now,” I tell myself waiting to fall asleep. But I fail. Another day, as I fail again. To fall asleep, to write. My insomnia and writer’s stuck moment is back on track and I don’t know if I’m to be happy about being normal again or sad that I don’t have that I need to write vs I need to sleep moment anymore. It’s going to be like this for another few days to weeks, so I guess I better get hang of it.
What I wish right now to have is Caffeine. I would prefer milk tea but that’s not possible. I’m on my tea limit so I have to be okay with a cup of mango juice. I wish I was not though. I wish I could gulp down cups of tea or rather enjoy each cup with precise moments cherishing on the drink. The juice ain’t that bad but I would rather have what I wish. But I’m sure that won’t help me either given the situation.
And it gets worse you know. When you are being an insomniac and not being able to write, these ideas and stories come to your mind. The images of a girl with plaited hair and white dress walking down the damp, small , spooky gullies of Kathmandu Valley comes in front of your eyes but you can’t seem to do anything about it. You can’t get up and write because you have no idea what to write about. Nor can you go back to sleep.
And now I can’t think of stuffs to write about. I still wish to have tea though. But I will have to be back in my bed because tomorrow, I need to be an early bird. And tomorrow hopefully, words will find their way back to me.
So, I was all complaining to my peeps how boring it is when you get stuck at Mamaghar (maternal uncle’s home) during banda. And count time period of load-shedding there more than anywhere else. And that you haven’t brought any books and diary to accompany you. I stayed in makeshift bed till the light came and after that I was all over Facebook, telling people how I hate the whole idea of being stuck here. And just when I was doing that, noises came from outside of laughter and smiles. But mostly of running and teasing.
Today is Nyalake-yau-din. Today, 3 gods from the khala (group) of Navadurga chase anyone who tease them at first. It is very fun to see this going on and on for hours. I remember when I was young, me and my brother used to tease the Gods by doing “awawawa” from our window, inside the safety of our home. I remember this one time, we were all busy with each other, when suddenly we heard noise in the kitchen. Maa joked about it being Lord Ganesh searching for his laddu. But later we realized that one of the gods we waiting for us in the living room. Coming to think of it, that noise from kitchen should be of mouse than what I always believed in. But I rather like the idea of that noise being the signal to indicate that the God has arrived at our doorstep. Right now, I wonder if that incident was that during this nakha:.
Anyway, remembering all these memories and watching the continuation of ancient traditions after more than 6-7 years definitely made me think different things. Like how I still find joy in watching things that I grew up watching. Like how Gods still play an important role in the Newari culture. And mainly like how an opportunity to relive the distant memory makes the most boring day into I’m all in tears day.
This much for now because I feel sleepy, despite being in bed almost all day. Goodnight. 🙂