Sometimes I wonder why we’d always be so excited about Dashain. Probably it’s because of fifteen days of vacation with tons of homework to do or it was about getting rich even if it’s for a day. Because while the rest of Kathmandu would be flying kites, playing cards and having fun; during Dashain afternoon, I remember being tucked in bed with mom. All the time. Dashain, actually is very lethargic. On Astami and Nawami, everyone at home would be sleeping the moment breakfast of samyabaji followed by one round of tea and washing is done. Everyone would wake up only at around 2 or 3. Maybe it’s the afternoon nap that gets me excited about Dashain. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me now.
I lay on my bed closing my eyes, counting 1..2..3.. “Any seconds now,” I tell myself waiting to fall asleep. But I fail. Another day, as I fail again. To fall asleep, to write. My insomnia and writer’s stuck moment is back on track and I don’t know if I’m to be happy about being normal again or sad that I don’t have that I need to write vs I need to sleep moment anymore. It’s going to be like this for another few days to weeks, so I guess I better get hang of it.
What I wish right now to have is Caffeine. I would prefer milk tea but that’s not possible. I’m on my tea limit so I have to be okay with a cup of mango juice. I wish I was not though. I wish I could gulp down cups of tea or rather enjoy each cup with precise moments cherishing on the drink. The juice ain’t that bad but I would rather have what I wish. But I’m sure that won’t help me either given the situation.
And it gets worse you know. When you are being an insomniac and not being able to write, these ideas and stories come to your mind. The images of a girl with plaited hair and white dress walking down the damp, small , spooky gullies of Kathmandu Valley comes in front of your eyes but you can’t seem to do anything about it. You can’t get up and write because you have no idea what to write about. Nor can you go back to sleep.
And now I can’t think of stuffs to write about. I still wish to have tea though. But I will have to be back in my bed because tomorrow, I need to be an early bird. And tomorrow hopefully, words will find their way back to me.
Sometimes, as you sit somewhere in the corner, you think.
Images of burnt books haunt you and wish of helping them strikes you. But how? All that you have been doing is sit and do nothing else.
There are so many things you want to write about. 3 poems in your mind waiting to be immortal in the paper or your Facebook notes. But besides performing in an empty room and shouting them, there is nothing else you have been doing as well.
You tell your friends about stories you wish to write and lessons you wish to learn. And yet, you stare at the blank computer screen and waste another day. Or is it even wasting?
You wish that you’d been meditating, or wondering about stuffs haunting you, asking or questioning or even better answering instead. Than just lying in the corner, staring at the space.
But the corner is your home for now. The space your entertainment. You are in a sleep mode, the waken phase is long way to go.
I know that usually a year review is done when the year is coming to an end. But I have been reflecting and reviewing it just before my birthday for many years. So here I am, before turning 21, trying to see how my 20th year of life went.
Last year like every year, I was excited about my birthday. Turning 20, leaving teenage years of life seemed very exciting. But just few days before my birthday, my family had to mourn for death of a relative. In Nepal, we have to mourn for 13 days of close relative (13-days DajuBhai) from the community (Guthi). So, I got all sad and angry for not being able to celebrate my day as others do it, even if I hadn’t been celebrating it for last 2-3 or even more years. I mean a year before that birthday, I called a friend at almost 23:45, to remind him about that it was my day. Also, I had to walk for hours, trying to find a place and then return without any success. Thus, it wasn’t a big deal for not being able to celebrate yet still I felt sad. I mean you don’t get to be 20 every year now do you?
But a friend of mine, called me or rather chatted with me in facebook a day before my birthday to say that he has decided to spend a day with me for my day. I was sad and all cranked up, thus probably complaining about how I could not celebrate my birthday and to cheer me up and make me happy, he decided to be with me whole day. We went to Swoyambhu at first and talked about our lives (we were starting to get close at that time) and incidents. Then, he dropped me at a basketball tournament where my girlfriends had match. After winning the match, all of us went to Patan to have mo:mo and then back to Mangalbazzar because I told them that he would be coming. I witnessed Jaatra of Rato-Machhindranath for the first time in my life. And then we went to have a cup of tea and talk. I felt very special that day. And blessed. But it wasn’t just that day you see. I still got birthday wishes for 1 week past my birthday.
After starting my 20th year feeling all special and blessed, the rest of the year surely was amazing. I visited Bandipur in midst of Nepal bandas and Chakka jaam. Then went hiking with Kaka and Daiharu after returning back. Then I finished my undergraduate studies, started working and started this blog as well. And I tried haikuing. At the same time, I also had chance to meet Sarah Kay as I participated in a slam poetry workshop. I wasn’t planning to do that mainly because although a big Sarah Kay fan (or rather Phil Kaye’s), I always thought slam-poetry wasn’t my thing. But my friend literally forced me to take part, since he couldn’t do so as he was having exams and it was totally worth it. Sarah Kay seriously is amazing. I also did my first slam performance and ruined it by forgetting the line from world-famous song “Tears in Heaven”. Here’s the video if you want to watch how much I screwed up: Suv’s Slam.
I also made new friends while got more close with old ones. I attended a friend’s wedding donning up sari and everything. And I decided to take writing seriously. Kaka told me to be serious about my career and decide what I want to do for rest of my life. Being a social work graduate, I could either choose to be a community worker in any field of my interest or be a writer. I chose the latter one. Writing is something I have always come back to no matter what. Writing is something I would seriously like to take into next level. Writing is something I would love to do whole my life. Eat, sleep and WRITE and Read. That’s my motto. And travel. 🙂 I then got a chance to be a part of a team I am fond of. I have always been a loyal fan of theirs, so when they announced vacancy, I quickly jumped in.
But mostly I made memories. With strangers who became friends. With loved ones who are still loved ones. And with a friend, who turned into a beloved.