People – IV.

Some people think you represent light. Your laughter lightens up their day, they say. You somehow are always joking around, you are always full of hopes – of finding love and being happy, of chasing stars and turning dreams into reality.

Some people think you are the night. They would come to you on a full moon night but will stay away during the new moon. They think you are always sad; that you are the epitome of suffering; that you suffer too much – inside your head and outside. That you are always full of angst, anger and rants.

But your people are the ones who see that you live in the edge of darkness and the light. No, they know that there are more layers than just day and night. That you are the various shades of the sky in twilight. That you are sorted in your chaos. That you are full of life, because you’ve known death so well. That you are always laughing around because you live with sadness in your sleeve.

Some people think you represent happiness. Others think you are always sad. But your people knows that you represent ups and downs of life. And that, like life, you always move on.

Letting go.

“How can you let go of people easily?” he asked.

“By giving them time and space, when they are sad. By not asking them what’s happening time and again when they say they don’t want to talk about it. By trying not to worry about them when they tell you not to do so. By realizing that you’re not important or close to them as you thought to be, after all people do share what happened when things go wrong no matter how closed off they are.

And every time, you feel like you’re starting to get worried, distract yourself. Read books – on loss, on happiness, on moving on. Watch a new tv series or movies – tragic, comedy, action. Go on vacations – with your family, other friends or alone. Take classes – dance, ceramics, kickboxing. Learn about politics, science and development. Attend events. Meet new people. Make new friends. Experience the world. Write about these experiences. Share them with your other friends.

And finally, resolve to start fresh.

So that when you meet them next time, you will realize that you’ve grown, and evolve into something else. Something they won’t be able to relate with. And when you talk to them, you will realize that they no longer understand who you are and who you’ve become. And you are a perfect stranger to them. That’s how you can let go of people easily. Because if someone isn’t ready to share what’s bugging them, if someone needs time and space from you during the bad times, then know that you never mattered enough at the first place.”

07.

Dear you,

I was thinking about my past and how my life has changed drastically in less than five years. Before  my heart was broken, when I used to keep all my eggs in one basket – in B’s friendship. He was my almost best friend and a huge crush. If you were to ask me whether I loved him at that time, I would close my eyes and say yes. If you ask me the same right now, I would say I don’t know. For I don’t know what love is anymore. But this was guy I admired. He was the  one I opened to – talked about my dreams of travelling and telling stories, talked about Bhaktapurko Baa and talked about life in general. We would have lots of discussion about theories and philosophy and science and incarnation and so on. I had other friends, but they didn’t know half the things going in my head. And I would never tell. I remember him telling me that although deep inside we all are screwed up, we have to put the mask when we go out – of normality. I never believed that. Putting mask means not accepting yourself I would tell him. But still I never talked about my fears and my demons to other friends. Not to my girls in college, maybe a little to now-long-lost friend. Not a hint to the rest of the world.

And then he broke my heart. And I found myself plunging into the black hole. I was in Narayanghat, 159.3 km far from home, far from mom. And I was sick at that time. And then heart-broken. My demons started to come out, the demons I’d always nourished but kept hidden inside me. My mood swings became frequent and even violent. I felt like this was the end, that I had fallen into the darkest tunnel and wouldn’t come out no matter what. I even talked to one of my teachers about this who suggested me to find a way. But what way there could be. The guy I trusted with all the trust I could birth, the one who told me he would never leave, left without a word.

But then sun did shine slowly. I realized the girls (I am including Raja here because he is always part of my gang) were much open to my other side than I thought they would be. They loved me nevertheless, despite my mood swings and my constant sulking. And then Baa passed away. And I was on the verge of going to the dark path again but I decided to stop myself. If I’d learnt anything during that heart-broken period, it was not to be alone. So I asked J. to keep me company. He was almost a broken soul at that time, yet he gave the attention and care I needed.

The other thing that I also learnt was to be more vulnerable and to be more honest with myself. If my heart was with my almost best friend, at the time he broke my heart, it is now with people around me. That a huge chunk is with mom and you but the smaller chunks are with my friends. So even if something happens to one of those chunks (I hope not), the other chunks will still make me feel loved and give me hope no matter what.
And this is what I wanted to tell you today. That we feel lonely because we are afraid to open up to people – show them our flaws and strength, talk to them about our deepest fears and darkest secrets. We feel lonely because we don’t talk to many people about our biggest dreams or scariest thoughts. We say we want to talk about the universe and atoms but we don’t. Of course you can only talk to few selective people about the universe and atoms. But these few would become more if you give chances to others like I have done with my people. And of course this is a mutual thing than just one-sided.

So when J told me that y best friend thought I had so much of people who loved me and you agreed? Well I agree to. But they are with me because I let them be. Because I let them in. Because I opened myself to them, showed my flaws, complained, rant, talked about my dreams. And I also listened to them. Their plans. Their worries. Their stories.

So think about this. If you never want to be alone, then open yourself to more people and be more vulnerable. Of course you might end up with someone who will do you more harm than good but without taking risks, how would you know? And without the human touch, how would you get out of the mess your head creates every night?

🙂

Love.

Suv

The moment.

Sometimes, you’re more than just happy – a bit of excited, a bit of relieved – when you bump into people on the streets and they ask you to tag along for a journey. They, then, take you to the ride of samosas, doodh malai and soda along with laughter, jokes and just fun. During this one and half hour of journey, you forget everything else. You forget that there is someone waiting for you at that moment, you forget that there is a whole day where you do nothing but wait. You also forget all the hurdles you had to go through this morning and the hurdles left for you after reaching home. You forget about the whole world. For that very moment, your world is these three people you met in the middle of the street who took you out for lunch. For that very moment, your world is revolved around the galli of New Road. For that very moment, you world is the crowd, somehow always finding themselves back at this place, trying to make sense. And that very moment is when you’re more than just happy.

Addiction

I have been addicted to things –
to songs, people, voice
to prayers, love, hymns.
And when once in a while
I feel alone, struggling to be strong
I see,
that I have been addicted to things –
to distraction, chatboxes and messages,
it will be okay, alright and don’t be afraid,
and when once in a while
the only voice you hear
is your own heartbeat,
I realize
I have been addicted to things.

And it’s all a cycle,
you get hurt, you find another,
you get hurt again and you find another again
thus you get addicted.
I have unlearnt to be alone again.
I don’t remember what it feels like
to be what I used to be –
independent and fun,
coz lately I have been addicted to things –
to playlists, book of poetry, one-liners
and one day, I wake up feeling empty
I find out
I have been addicted to things
to words, rhymes and stories
to half-finished sentences,
to being addicted again.