07.

Dear you,

I was thinking about my past and how my life has changed drastically in less than five years. Before  my heart was broken, when I used to keep all my eggs in one basket – in B’s friendship. He was my almost best friend and a huge crush. If you were to ask me whether I loved him at that time, I would close my eyes and say yes. If you ask me the same right now, I would say I don’t know. For I don’t know what love is anymore. But this was guy I admired. He was the  one I opened to – talked about my dreams of travelling and telling stories, talked about Bhaktapurko Baa and talked about life in general. We would have lots of discussion about theories and philosophy and science and incarnation and so on. I had other friends, but they didn’t know half the things going in my head. And I would never tell. I remember him telling me that although deep inside we all are screwed up, we have to put the mask when we go out – of normality. I never believed that. Putting mask means not accepting yourself I would tell him. But still I never talked about my fears and my demons to other friends. Not to my girls in college, maybe a little to now-long-lost friend. Not a hint to the rest of the world.

And then he broke my heart. And I found myself plunging into the black hole. I was in Narayanghat, 159.3 km far from home, far from mom. And I was sick at that time. And then heart-broken. My demons started to come out, the demons I’d always nourished but kept hidden inside me. My mood swings became frequent and even violent. I felt like this was the end, that I had fallen into the darkest tunnel and wouldn’t come out no matter what. I even talked to one of my teachers about this who suggested me to find a way. But what way there could be. The guy I trusted with all the trust I could birth, the one who told me he would never leave, left without a word.

But then sun did shine slowly. I realized the girls (I am including Raja here because he is always part of my gang) were much open to my other side than I thought they would be. They loved me nevertheless, despite my mood swings and my constant sulking. And then Baa passed away. And I was on the verge of going to the dark path again but I decided to stop myself. If I’d learnt anything during that heart-broken period, it was not to be alone. So I asked J. to keep me company. He was almost a broken soul at that time, yet he gave the attention and care I needed.

The other thing that I also learnt was to be more vulnerable and to be more honest with myself. If my heart was with my almost best friend, at the time he broke my heart, it is now with people around me. That a huge chunk is with mom and you but the smaller chunks are with my friends. So even if something happens to one of those chunks (I hope not), the other chunks will still make me feel loved and give me hope no matter what.
And this is what I wanted to tell you today. That we feel lonely because we are afraid to open up to people – show them our flaws and strength, talk to them about our deepest fears and darkest secrets. We feel lonely because we don’t talk to many people about our biggest dreams or scariest thoughts. We say we want to talk about the universe and atoms but we don’t. Of course you can only talk to few selective people about the universe and atoms. But these few would become more if you give chances to others like I have done with my people. And of course this is a mutual thing than just one-sided.

So when J told me that y best friend thought I had so much of people who loved me and you agreed? Well I agree to. But they are with me because I let them be. Because I let them in. Because I opened myself to them, showed my flaws, complained, rant, talked about my dreams. And I also listened to them. Their plans. Their worries. Their stories.

So think about this. If you never want to be alone, then open yourself to more people and be more vulnerable. Of course you might end up with someone who will do you more harm than good but without taking risks, how would you know? And without the human touch, how would you get out of the mess your head creates every night?

🙂

Love.

Suv

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Sometimes all you need is a person, not whole lot of them.

Me ( To everyone) : I am SAD.

They: Why?

Me: Because I didn’t get what I asked for.

They: And what’s that?

Me: Time. (sobbing inside).

They: What time?

Me (To myself ): (Sobbing bad inside.) I definitely need a best-friend with whom I can share this so that I don’t have to share my stuffs with every single person online.

 

 

Happiness is best when shared.

Happiness is best when shared.

A friend told me once. He read it somewhere he said. Read or watched, I don’t remember. I don’t even remember if I got the quote right. But what I know is that it is true.

Happiness is best when shared.

I felt it again today. I felt it when I celebrated the end of undergraduate studies with my family and friends. I felt it last time when I called up a friend to talk about an important event of my life. We were excited then and we are excited now.

Happiness is best when shared.

The whole feeling of happiness disappears when you have no one to share to. When you end up being alone. The feeling is replaced with frustration and depression after a bit of loneliness. The whole having no one to tell stories leaves a vacant in heart that slowly turns heavy. Happiness slowly becomes burden and reason to feel like you are in a hell.

Happiness is best when shared.

A friend told me. He had found a reason to believe in it. He did go through it. And I believe him because I go through them every day.

Happiness is best when shared. So, let’s share it every day 🙂

 

The Wall

Maybe I should start building walls around me. Everyone does it, don’t they? Build walls around them and let no one enter inside. You never know when they are sad or happy or just feeling nothing. In my case, everybody knows. And I need to stop that. I need to start building walls around me so that I don’t get dependent on people much. So that I learn to deal with my problems myself. Because when everybody knows what you are going through, some of them become a part of it – sharing it, minimizing it, multiplying it, helping you to do it and so on. And once some get involved, you become used to having someone rescuing you out and that makes you dependent. So, I say that it’s high time for me to start building walls around me.

It’s not that I haven’t tried till now. I have so many times. But every time I start building, brick by brick, layer by layer, someone or other pops into my life and makes me halt the whole wall-building process. They start getting involved in my life – nurturing my dreams, helping me sort out my feelings, going with my mood etc. And I get so lost in having them that I forget everything about the wall I was intending to build. And slowly, I get dependent on them and they start knowing everything about me. I become an open book.  Everybody starts knowing everything about me – my new crushes, mood swings, lovestrucks, drenching in rain, basking in sun. Just everything. And I’m tired of having that, people knowing everything about me.

The other reason why I think I should start building walls is that I think I’m tired of looking out at the view. While I’m open, they’re closed. They know everything about me and I know nothing about them. And yet they expect for me to be okay about it. For me, in relationships, everything should be mutual – sharing and unsharing. So, to make it all equal, I’m going to build walls around me.

Also, I’m tired of my dreams. I’m tired of having them. For they are impossible dreams. I cannot fulfill them, not in this lifetime and not in next hundred ones. And when you are open, people come to you and say words of hope. “Of course you can be that. Definitely you can fulfill your dreams.” They say. And that build hopes (even when you know that the dreams will never come true) which goes on building expectation leading to disappointment which in turn will make you frustrated which means suffering. That calls for people again and the cycle continues. Hence I want to build walls and break the chain. No people means no hopes meaning no disappointment and so on.

Similarly, within the thick walls that surround me, I can kill each of my dreams. And no one will hear them scream and shout and cry for help.  Yes, that’s what I’ll do – kill all my dreams one by one and destroy myself – piece by piece. That way, maybe I’ll be stoned and cold like the walls that surround me which are cold and stoned. But it won’t matter anymore.

But then, I know that having walls surround you means being alone, forever. But that’s what we are, aren’t we? After all, we are born alone and we die alone.

Written in the Stars

Ever since I was a child, I was intrigued every time I looked up in the sky. The tiny stars that twinkled as if the sky was filled with lights that illuminate the world left me speechless. But this does not mean that I am a star-gazer. Believe me I’m not. I tend to watch stars only when I’m in mood or have nothing else to do or worse, I’m in some kind of trouble with my ever-questioning mind. Stars always seem to help me in answering my questions, at least some of them. Till now, they have helped me to understand life and people living it in their own way.

The first lesson I had learnt by gazing at stars was by comparing them with humans. I was probably in my high school or may be during my early college days. I came to the conclusion that human beings are similar to the stars up above. Each of us like the stars seem similar to each other when looked upon in surface but turn out to be unique and similar when studied in deep level. Stars are like humans or living beings in so many cases. They get born, they shine brightly and one day they die. Some shine brighter than the others, while some other take time to come to their true colour. But every star goes through the same or similar phase and one day they get diminished like us, vanished from the page if the universe but remain in some other forms.

As mentioned before, I tend to turn to stars every time I have something going on in my mind. Recently, I was walking home alone like I always do. It was already twilight and the moon was already shining. As I watched the moon feeling all alone, I saw a loner star near it. Suddenly, a calm swept over me. From that time on, whenever I felt alone, I searched for that loner star and enjoyed its company. Then, I began thinking that how boring it is to be alone all the time. Every star were in groups or were at least nearer as seen from my terrace (kausi). I started doubting the idea that I had about how everyone had someone with them like black and white or dark and light or reflection and shadow or day and night and so on because that tiny star  ( of course, it’s bigger but as seen from the earth) was alone with nothing else besides it. This made me a bit sad for days and more thoughtful about my own situation.

But one day, as I was helping my uncle in the terrace, occasionally glancing the loner star, I saw another star a little far from it. And the smile rose upon my face again. This made me realize suddenly that no matter what no one is ever alone. We have our family, our friends, our neighbors, our acquaintances and our dreams with us. Well, I was assured after being saved once again by the stars and I definitely know what to do next time I’m seeking answers. 🙂