Timeline.

Thirteen and half years old me wanted to travel around the world and write. She wanted to be a single mother by the time she was 30, she didn’t care if she ended up being alone. She wanted to fix the climate change. She wanted to stop global warming and prevent the earth from being destroyed by humans. She wanted to know what happiness felt like.

Sixteen and half years old me wanted to preserve the endangered wildlife, the tigers and the lions, the snow leopards and the elephants. She wanted to go to Africa and learn about chimpanzees and lions. She wanted to go to Siberia to look at the birds during summer. She dreamed of having adventures of a lifetime.

Nineteen and half years old me got her first heartbreak by an almost best friend who ghosted her when she was far away from home, sick. By that time, she’d wanted to save the world – prevent wars and abdicate hunger. She wanted to be a wanderer, roaming around aimlessly at times. She’d started doubting if happiness even existed.

Twenty two and half years old me realized she was afraid of being alone and single. That when she was alone, she almost gave up because she was not ready to adult yet. She also decided that motherhood is not for her. She didn’t want her children to know the pain of losing a mother. “The more people you know, the more pain you get” became her philosophy. So, she shut herself off and pushed people away only to realize her solitude acts as venom. She thought that happiness isn’t worth it at all.

Twenty five and half years old me wants to travel the world again. And write. And learn. And experience it all over again. She wants to be a mother, and isn’t scared about being  single. She is ready to be a single mother before she crosses thirty three; because, otherwise, complications. She is finally sorted in her life. She has friends who stood with her when she completely fell apart. She knows what she wants to do in her life (i.e, travel and write and be a museum curator if possible) and how to do it (hello master’s degree!). She, for the first time in life, has Plan B if Plan A fails. She is in love and still heartbroken but she knows that at the end of the day, she will be okay. She is finally happy.

Thirteen and half years old me is kinda proud of twenty five and half years old me. Because sooner or later, I will have done everything I’ve wanted to do as a kid. Maybe, I might do them less frequently than I’d hoped and wished for but I will still be reading, writing, traveling and growing. Because I will not have given up on my dreams. Because I will find happiness. And that is enough and will be enough. For now. For always.

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From a daughter to a mother

Dear mother,
everyday I tell myself
not to fall asleep before you,
but I do.
Hence, I miss the chance to count your breathing
and see you sleeping soundly.
Everyday I wonder
about your dreams as a kid.
Did you also think you could save the world like me
when I was in Grade six?
Did you also want to travel around the world
or fight the evil with the words?
but every time I ask,
you either keep mum or change the topic
to how my hair is messy
and my hands are dirty
and my face is unwashed.
Everyday I feel curious
to know whether you see a beautiful and strong woman
in the mirror
like you see the dirt and dust in my hair and neck
Everyday I want to know
how it felt
to grow up with men who pampered you till the end
who cooked your favourite dishes
and sewed your favourite dresses
and to come to live with men
who talk about women empowerment
make their mothers, sisters and daughters independent
but then want their wives
to cook and clean and wash and wait for them.
For having at least one man you could always count on,
you could always go back to,
who was your hero.
For the men in my life,
are never there when I need  them
the most.

Is this what you wanted your life to be?
The little girl who threw tantrums when her dad got home late,
to turn into a woman who would always sit and wait
for her husband and
for her son.
Is this what you dreamt of?
To settle down and have a family
and put them before you.
Dear mother,
Everyday I wish to know
the broken pieces of your dreams,
and the missing pieces of your soul
so that I could search, find and mend your life as a whole
for you to live them all over again.