He didn’t leave a hole when he left. It’s because he’d left a big hole even when he was there. Because even when he was there, he was not really there. Sometimes, he was lost without traces. All she could do was wait, for him to come back home. Sometimes, he packed his bags and ran away to some mountains. All she could do was learn about his adventures through the letters he’d send. Sometimes, he took jobs that took him all over the country. All she could do was plan to visit those places in vacations only to realize he was home before that.
The hole grew bigger with each day passing. It became bigger with her realizing that he has been walking in and out of her life, like she was some public parks in the city. It became bigger as she learnt more about how he was absent in her past. It became bigger as he failed to be there for her every time she needed him.
The hole had been filled though. Half of it was filled by her mother. A portion was filled by his brother, another by her grandfathers. Another one by her best friend and another portion by her boss. Then there were the portions filled by boys she sometimes call lovers, always getting replaces for she always believed that men always leave, nobody really stayed.
So now that he is gone, she doesn’t feel a hole in her heart. That hole was filled up and sealed with cement, long time back. Maybe it’s time to dig it up again.
Sometimes a hole is created in one’s life,
because someone leaves,
never to come back again
someone who cannot be replaced.
The hole then leaves you grieving,
the air you breathe feels heavy,
the tears from your eyes isn’t healing
the wound deeper than it seems.
Most of the times the hole appears suddenly,
although you’ve been receiving the hints
every now and then
through urgent phone calls in the middle of the meetings
but it always leaves you devastated
as if you never expected it to be there
right there, in the middle of somewhere
right in your world.
The big hole
will not let you to live
it will always haunt you –
waking you up in the middle of the night
gasping for the air
wishing that person was near
for you to breathe
it will make you hollow
from the inside and out
till you get a grip on yourself
and say this is not how it’s meant to be.
The hole will not be filled
the wound will not be healed
until one day,
when the memories will replace
the vaccum where the person left
of the times your bajai told you stories
and of the times your baje cooked you haluwa,
of the times your mama sang to you to sleep
and of the times your fufu listened to your dreams.
The hole will now be a sanctuary
to visit now and then
not to forget how you were
before life took its toil on you.
A.N – A friend lost his grandmother few months back. And today, I learnt that a beloved brother lost his too. And because I lost both of my grandparents from my mother’s side, I like to believe I know how it feels. Losing someone, so suddenly. This poem is for both of them but mostly for dai, for his pain is still raw, still there. Lots of love from this little girl.