People – IV.

Some people think you represent light. Your laughter lightens up their day, they say. You somehow are always joking around, you are always full of hopes – of finding love and being happy, of chasing stars and turning dreams into reality.

Some people think you are the night. They would come to you on a full moon night but will stay away during the new moon. They think you are always sad; that you are the epitome of suffering; that you suffer too much – inside your head and outside. That you are always full of angst, anger and rants.

But your people are the ones who see that you live in the edge of darkness and the light. No, they know that there are more layers than just day and night. That you are the various shades of the sky in twilight. That you are sorted in your chaos. That you are full of life, because you’ve known death so well. That you are always laughing around because you live with sadness in your sleeve.

Some people think you represent happiness. Others think you are always sad. But your people knows that you represent ups and downs of life. And that, like life, you always move on.

Not sad.

Every time you ask me how I am, I have no idea what to say. “Fine”, is not in my vocabulary but I haven’t reached the “Good” yet. I hate saying, “Okay” but since I think today was better than yesterday, I end up saying, “Better”. Sometimes I might end up saying, “Great” but I regret it immediately because I would only be feeling great at that moment and not entirely in life. I probably was feeling great because I might just have had a chocolate cake or watched a good comedy movie or finished a good book. I must have felt great because Kaka took me out for lunch, or because I met my old boss or just woke up from a four-hour-long nap. I don’t feel great all the time. I don’t feel good even or even better or even okay. Most of the times, I don’t know how I am feeling and I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. What I know is that I am not sad anymore. I also know this is not emptiness because I can feel things, when I feel it. But am I happy? Is this a kind of happiness? I don’t know. So every time you ask me how I am, I have no idea what to say, so I end up saying, “Not sad” and maybe this is a good thing.

To you.

I was cold before I’d let you in. I was the one who left people because I believed that people always leave. And to protect myself from being heart-broken, I would break their hearts before they could break mine. I would run away from giving everything; stopping myself from falling too hard. I mean, I would fall too fast for people. And too hard too. But as time passed by, I would always bring myself together and let it go before I reached the point where I wouldn’t be able to let it go. And then I met you.

In your arms, I melted like the glacier lakes in April, bursting with love. I became the flood. But before I could flow through the rivers, you left after only few months, thus proving me correct. People always leave, don’t they? And if I wasn’t that afraid before, I definitely became scarred and scared of future and love more than ever.

But it’s funny how heart-breaks work. I grew up hearing stories on how heart-breaks and grief turned warm-hearted people into stone-hearted ones. But my story became an opposite one. When you left me scarred and scared, I thought I would never let myself fall again. Or experience the same thing. And that’s what happened for a while. I was afraid, I had shut myself up again. But man, I was wrong. Because the girl who always ran away from love and happiness suddenly realized that embracing them is much more meaningful. Remember how I used to tell you that happiness is short-lived and thus never mattered to me? Well now it does.

I was happy with you. I still remember the stupid grin slapped across my face when I was with you. I was happy for no reason all the time. Despite what was happening in the outer world, I was happy and I didn’t know things like that even existed till then. When you left, the dark days returned but having experienced light and knowing how much it was worth it, I became a light seeker. The one who pushed happiness away became the one who chased happiness. The one who didn’t take even a second to push people away became the one who gave them chances.

I became warmer after you left. My goal suddenly changed to embrace love and happiness whenever it come my way so that one day I may become as warm as the winter sun in the afternoon. I think I am still just lukewarm water for now. And it’s all because of you. Hadn’t you showed me what happiness and love is truly capable of, I would have never learnt that I was capable of being warm. And open.

I am not saying that I have gone on to believing that love and happiness lasts forever. I will be the last person to say that. I know it doesn’t and it probably will never be. But what I am saying is that, just because they don’t last forever, I no longer think I should be avoiding them or pushing them away. And it’s not that I am not afraid of heart breaks. I am, right now, more afraid of not just having my heart broken but also breaking someone else’s heart. But I still want to risk everything. I still want to choose love when and if it finally arrives. Because the few months with you taught me one thing – happiness is always worth it, even if it’s just for few moments. So I will risk another heart-break and another long period of sadness if it means I will be happy for a while. If it means I will love wholeheartedly for a while. If it means I will melt in someone’s arms and feel the molten lava coming out of me because of that love. Because love and happiness is worth it all. Because love and happiness is the reason why we are alive.

Birthday wishes – II

Because I owe a friend his birthday wish. Because his next birthday is coming near. So here are my wishes. I pray may this year you’d been able to do following things. If not then we still have six more months to go. Be strong. No matter how hard the wind is blowing. No matter how big the hole is. Be strong. Have faith in yourself. You will survive anything. Be kind. To strangers. To your friends who sometimes fail to understand what you are talking about. To her, even if she is an asshole. But mainly to yourself. Don’t underestimate yourself. Be funny. Not just to make others laugh. Make yourself laugh. Crack jokes. Find funny moments so that you can laugh even later. Just by yourself. Create memories. With everyone. Strangers, friends, family, yourself. Create things. Either through music, words or just random papers but create things. Not because you should but because you can. And creations are always more beautiful than destructions. Make new friends. Smile to strangers. Amend your old friendship. Be confident. Because if I was you, I would probably have a YouTube channel, a soundcloud profile and tons of shares in my timeline. You are amazing. Just embrace that and go! Embrace yourself. Don’t think you are not good enough. You will never be good enough for yourself. You don’t even have to be. Just being good is enough. Love yourself. Because only then you will learn to love others. Take care of your health, your passion, your dreams. Listen to your heart and follow it. Fight for what you want. And fight to keep it with you. And finally, let go of things that are hurting you. That might seem important but don’t really matter much.

Happiness is.

Finding the traces of you
lingering in the empty spaces
you left behind
in the drawer filled with air
on the desk filled with dust
on the chair that has turned cold
makes me search you like a frantic fool.

I pant.
I cry.
I ask people around.
“Has anyone seen this person?”
I scream.

“No. He isn’t here.
We haven’t seen him.”

Finding the traces of you
inside my drawer
in form of things I love
in form of things you’ve left behind
besides the emptiness
in form of memories
we’d made
makes me closer to you like a frantic fool.

I cry.
I smile.
I laugh.
“Thank you for the happiness”
I text.

“I’ll always be around”
came reply.