Not sad.

Every time you ask me how I am, I have no idea what to say. “Fine”, is not in my vocabulary but I haven’t reached the “Good” yet. I hate saying, “Okay” but since I think today was better than yesterday, I end up saying, “Better”. Sometimes I might end up saying, “Great” but I regret it immediately because I would only be feeling great at that moment and not entirely in life. I probably was feeling great because I might just have had a chocolate cake or watched a good comedy movie or finished a good book. I must have felt great because Kaka took me out for lunch, or because I met my old boss or just woke up from a four-hour-long nap. I don’t feel great all the time. I don’t feel good even or even better or even okay. Most of the times, I don’t know how I am feeling and I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. What I know is that I am not sad anymore. I also know this is not emptiness because I can feel things, when I feel it. But am I happy? Is this a kind of happiness? I don’t know. So every time you ask me how I am, I have no idea what to say, so I end up saying, “Not sad” and maybe this is a good thing.

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Day Five

As I write this, I am left wondering about so many things. My closest friends are on field, volunteering, helping out those who need. My work is halted but is sure to resume from next week. I am waiting for a call from a former colleague in case they need me. I haven’t told my mother about this yet. She might not let me but I know I will have to move.

I don’t know what I really feel right now. I have known since I was in Grade X, that a massive disaster like this would come eventually. It was meant to be. Nepal, being in center of two gigantic plate, has always been prone to earthquake. The movement of the plate has resulted in the Himalayas. We have been cursed and blessed with it. And I was prepared for it since then. Seven years ago, I prayed for the earthquake right around this time of the month. The SLC exams were going on and I, being the one to hate exams, wished there was an earthquake and we didn’t have to give exams. Knowing that the massive earthquake took place around every 100 years with give and take of twenty years, I just wished it happened a bit earlier. But it didn’t. Since then, I had been wishing for the same, at the same time for it’s the exam season. But it never happened.

But of course this was inevitable. So I started preparing myself mentally. I would imagine being stranded from my family because I usually hangout at the other side of the city (or in this case, valley). I would usually find myself, in this imagination, to be in Tudhikhel at a camp with my family. In my ideal world, you had to register in the camp, and you had your own small community there. I would take the position of a mobilizing and utilize the people to rebuild my city from the rubble. In my imagination, all but the old Kathmandu is gone. Ten months ago, I found myself imagining losing my whole family and relatives at the same time.  And that left me devastated. I found myself weeping the whole night that day. And trying to find ways to cope with the loss I never had.

The reality is of course different. My family, relatives and house are still intact. I am living in a room I have called my own since last year though we were living downstairs for few days. My friends and their families are okay. Some have cracks in their houses but at least the house is standing. Kathmandu is in rubble of course but instead of the new one, it’s the old ones that have been effected the most. Many temples in the Durbar Squares of the valley are gone  and so are the old houses with wooden windows and tiled roofs. I find myself staring at the wall because of not being able to move out for last four days. And when I finally went out of the house today, I found things are far more disorganized than I would have wanted. Nobody knows who are staying in the camps and how many are there. There is no person for contact who could communicate, motivate and mobilize the people from the camp. Also all the volunteering activities and relief distribution activities are scattered.

Of course, this is only day five and things will get better. That’s what my friends are telling me. People will consolidate and everything will be coordinated. And I know it will be. The former colleague I wrote above is currently collecting all the information and statistics about the disaster and its aftermath so that it will be helpful to those wanting to help. I know around four groups working separately but are aware about each other’s existence through social media. So maybe the consolidation is not that far.

I just wish to be more useful than giving ideas and writing my thoughts. But that’s the only thing I am good at. And the only thing I can do now.

Dear you,
what did the X-Ray show?
A broken finger
or a shattered heart?
Did it point out where did it crack?
And where did it fall apart?

Did you find out why
does it still hurt when it rains
and your soul turn ice cold
and your smile disappears
and there’s no cup of tea to make it alright
no song to make you feel okay
no voice to calm you down
because the fingers torn down
you are limping away
thanks to the car that stamped your feet away
thanks to the man that stamped your heart away.

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Let me breathe.
In and out,
in and out.
Slowly and quickly.
There’s no hurry,
but I feel the rush.

Somewhere inside something cringes.
Somewhere inside something vanishes.
I feel lost,
not in my thoughts,
nor in feelings.
I feel lost in me.
And I know it’s not a good sign,
so I try to figure out,
what cringed in me
what disappeared.

There’s a calm inside of me,
hence I await a storm.
There is always a storm,
it gets nastier like a tornado,
as day passes by,
as second ticks off,
tick-tick-tick
goes my watch,
I feel disgenerated.

Instead I wish,
I was disjointed,
flesh by flesh,
limbs, arms and body.
I was divided,
into more than head-body-legs,
I was symmetrical,
I was torn apart.

But I am one
and my body parts are one.
All they feel is what I feel,
calm but something’s going on,
deeper inside,
Lost.

Hence I breathe,
inside out
in and out
slowly but quickly
yes, there’ no hurry
but there is the rush
of finding what cringed
and what disappeared.

Another VENT on the way!

It seems like I’m in a complaining mood today. Because that’s what I am about to do again. Just after few days of telling to my seniors at work that I don’t do those girly blog. *Sigh!

Anyway, do you ever feel like ripping someone’s head off even if they did no harm to you than coming in your way to your happiness unknowingly? Well I have been feeling that a lot lately. Not just one person but whole bunch of them. I want to grill them each and then probably sell their meat to some cafe and watch people enjoy them. ( Blame this one to DEXTER). I want to torture them each as I’ve been tortured today, feeling guilty and angry of not  taking that step. I simply hate that feeling, you know.

Remorse.*Another Sigh!

I mean I know that I always say heroes are sexy with remorse. But I am no hero. I don’t have any powers. I am an ordinary to abnormal level girl who loves throwing tantrum like a spoil brat (yuss, I just threw tantrums – again-to a friend few minutes ago) and have things her way. Maybe I have a bit OCD and BPD and others too, but come on, every one of us is insane inside. I only have lots of them in me and I love bringing them out. (Good for my dream of being a writer, I think)

Anyway, besides them, if I dig deep inside right now to search for what I am feeling is calmness. Strangely. Maybe it has to do something with this little girl I am talking to as I am jotting all my feelings down. She tells me to write it all down like I always do. Pen a story with anger and fear, end it up with love. How I miss writing them, these stories. Also, she tells me it’s going to be alright and calms me down as  I tell her about my hidden plan of destroying something (blame it on DEXTER again) and my dreams of travelling and writing, just like her brother.