I was cold before I’d let you in. I was the one who left people because I believed that people always leave. And to protect myself from being heart-broken, I would break their hearts before they could break mine. I would run away from giving everything; stopping myself from falling too hard. I mean, I would fall too fast for people. And too hard too. But as time passed by, I would always bring myself together and let it go before I reached the point where I wouldn’t be able to let it go. And then I met you.
In your arms, I melted like the glacier lakes in April, bursting with love. I became the flood. But before I could flow through the rivers, you left after only few months, thus proving me correct. People always leave, don’t they? And if I wasn’t that afraid before, I definitely became scarred and scared of future and love more than ever.
But it’s funny how heart-breaks work. I grew up hearing stories on how heart-breaks and grief turned warm-hearted people into stone-hearted ones. But my story became an opposite one. When you left me scarred and scared, I thought I would never let myself fall again. Or experience the same thing. And that’s what happened for a while. I was afraid, I had shut myself up again. But man, I was wrong. Because the girl who always ran away from love and happiness suddenly realized that embracing them is much more meaningful. Remember how I used to tell you that happiness is short-lived and thus never mattered to me? Well now it does.
I was happy with you. I still remember the stupid grin slapped across my face when I was with you. I was happy for no reason all the time. Despite what was happening in the outer world, I was happy and I didn’t know things like that even existed till then. When you left, the dark days returned but having experienced light and knowing how much it was worth it, I became a light seeker. The one who pushed happiness away became the one who chased happiness. The one who didn’t take even a second to push people away became the one who gave them chances.
I became warmer after you left. My goal suddenly changed to embrace love and happiness whenever it come my way so that one day I may become as warm as the winter sun in the afternoon. I think I am still just lukewarm water for now. And it’s all because of you. Hadn’t you showed me what happiness and love is truly capable of, I would have never learnt that I was capable of being warm. And open.
I am not saying that I have gone on to believing that love and happiness lasts forever. I will be the last person to say that. I know it doesn’t and it probably will never be. But what I am saying is that, just because they don’t last forever, I no longer think I should be avoiding them or pushing them away. And it’s not that I am not afraid of heart breaks. I am, right now, more afraid of not just having my heart broken but also breaking someone else’s heart. But I still want to risk everything. I still want to choose love when and if it finally arrives. Because the few months with you taught me one thing – happiness is always worth it, even if it’s just for few moments. So I will risk another heart-break and another long period of sadness if it means I will be happy for a while. If it means I will love wholeheartedly for a while. If it means I will melt in someone’s arms and feel the molten lava coming out of me because of that love. Because love and happiness is worth it all. Because love and happiness is the reason why we are alive.