Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night grasping for breath. You look at her sleeping. You check to see if she is still taking the air in. Only when she moves, you feel a relief in your head. Most of the time, you go to sleep wondering about the times left with her. There are so many things left to. You haven’t taken her to theatres yet, something you wanted to do after you started earning. You haven’t gone to Pokhara for a family vacation, something you both have been planning since you were a kid. And the time is slipping fast. There is nothing you can do than to watch her sleep.
Sometimes you go to bed feeling all pissed off. You were about to write probably the most beautiful word but you couldn’t because she is demanding for you to sleep. She wants you at bed right now, without your laptop, tablet or even phone. Without your stories and poems. Without your ideas. She wants you to lay down with her and sleep. That’s the only way she can sleep. But that’s the only way to keep you awake as you see your dreams getting killed, little by little.
Sometimes you are scared of losing her. Sometimes, you are afraid of losing your dreams. Sometimes you are afraid of losing your sanity, trying to balance out. So you sit in a corner, once in a while, and cry. Because that’s the only thing you know. Because that’s the only thing you can do while wondering about the end, the way or the solution. Because that’s the only thing you are good at.