I have been debating. Whether to put my world out here or not. I would usually have no second thought on posting whatever I feel but not this time. This time, I am debating not only whether to post but where to post.
I think this debate comes from deep inside. One – I am not ready to disclose my feeling yet (please don’t laugh, I am serious here). Second – there are a certain group of people (who are my darling friends) that I don’t want to disclose my feelings to (but guess what? I don’t think they go through my blog much and I recently changed the name). Third – I don’t want to be seen as someone who is suffering (which I always do, by the way). And fourth – I am still in denial phase.
So let me put this all out.
One, if you have notice (I hope not), I recently let a very dear friend go out of my life. Or rather, I left him (because I always leave). But he told me he would be there – as a friend, whenever I needed him or wanted. Now things aren’t that good in my life so I have this constant need of someone who I am really comfortable sharing stuffs with and when I say stuffs, I mean any stuffs. And that someone usually used to be him. Because he was more like a best friend I never had. But because I drifted away from him, or rather from what we shared, he was left broken. So it’s been couple of days since he left without a goodbye. And I feel alone all the time.
And I don’t want to admit the feeling that I am feeling alone mainly because he isn’t here. But that is what the case seems like since my other friends are still here talking to me everyday. But this doesn’t mean, I feel the same way. I miss him but as a best friend and nothing else. I miss him as my secret-keeper and I know I don’t have any right to say this but I am hurt because he ended up doing the same thing he promised he won’t do it ever. Ghosting me like this. Especially at the time, when I need someone constantly. (Maybe this is selfish, I know). But I always thought I deserved a goodbye.