Existential Crisis

I don’t like people staring at me for any reason. I would rather wear a burqa and hide myself from glares. From the strangers eyes which would either admire or judge. But I don’t like it when people I think I am close to have eyes and ears lend out to someone else’s story.  When I don’t fall in their number one attention list or two or three.

I can’t help but talk to people. I have to talk with at least three or more at the same time – sharing how my day went, why I am sad or what makes me angry.  But I will miss out telling some important details of my life because I don’t want everyone to know. I can’t start a conversation with a stranger. I can talk to them easily and fluently if they are the ones to start the convo. I talk with someone for ten minutes and block them from my chat for ten days.

I debate thousands of times before putting up a status – should I or shouldn’t I? I want the world to know what’s on my mind but at the same time let no one know about it at all. I get confident and I back out at the last minute – back out from competitions,  writing essays, performing poetry, falling in love. I know where I need to go, what I need to do but I am afraid to do so.

I always have second thoughts on everything I do or feel or dream or think while at the same time I am proud of them. I sometimes regret the things I didn’t do, classes I didn’t take, places I didn’t go when I had time but then at other times, I am happy that I rather slept peacefully at those time.

I am the drama-queen of my family, nearing to tears whether I am angry or sad or hurt or anything. But I am a simple girl – who don’t create a big deal out of anything.

I belong to two opposite extremities at the same time or I don’t belong to either at all.

*****

I break when I’m the strongest,
fake when I’m the truest
I’m flawed when I’m perfect.

I am deaf when there’s so much sound,
lonely when I am among the crowd,
mute when my voice is very loud.

I am others and I am nobody,
I am but only me.

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