Maybe I should start building walls around me. Everyone does it, don’t they? Build walls around them and let no one enter inside. You never know when they are sad or happy or just feeling nothing. In my case, everybody knows. And I need to stop that. I need to start building walls around me so that I don’t get dependent on people much. So that I learn to deal with my problems myself. Because when everybody knows what you are going through, some of them become a part of it – sharing it, minimizing it, multiplying it, helping you to do it and so on. And once some get involved, you become used to having someone rescuing you out and that makes you dependent. So, I say that it’s high time for me to start building walls around me.
It’s not that I haven’t tried till now. I have so many times. But every time I start building, brick by brick, layer by layer, someone or other pops into my life and makes me halt the whole wall-building process. They start getting involved in my life – nurturing my dreams, helping me sort out my feelings, going with my mood etc. And I get so lost in having them that I forget everything about the wall I was intending to build. And slowly, I get dependent on them and they start knowing everything about me. I become an open book. Everybody starts knowing everything about me – my new crushes, mood swings, lovestrucks, drenching in rain, basking in sun. Just everything. And I’m tired of having that, people knowing everything about me.
The other reason why I think I should start building walls is that I think I’m tired of looking out at the view. While I’m open, they’re closed. They know everything about me and I know nothing about them. And yet they expect for me to be okay about it. For me, in relationships, everything should be mutual – sharing and unsharing. So, to make it all equal, I’m going to build walls around me.
Also, I’m tired of my dreams. I’m tired of having them. For they are impossible dreams. I cannot fulfill them, not in this lifetime and not in next hundred ones. And when you are open, people come to you and say words of hope. “Of course you can be that. Definitely you can fulfill your dreams.” They say. And that build hopes (even when you know that the dreams will never come true) which goes on building expectation leading to disappointment which in turn will make you frustrated which means suffering. That calls for people again and the cycle continues. Hence I want to build walls and break the chain. No people means no hopes meaning no disappointment and so on.
Similarly, within the thick walls that surround me, I can kill each of my dreams. And no one will hear them scream and shout and cry for help. Yes, that’s what I’ll do – kill all my dreams one by one and destroy myself – piece by piece. That way, maybe I’ll be stoned and cold like the walls that surround me which are cold and stoned. But it won’t matter anymore.
But then, I know that having walls surround you means being alone, forever. But that’s what we are, aren’t we? After all, we are born alone and we die alone.