Future talks

Many times in your life, you come across this question, “So, what’s next?, from your family, your teachers and your other known people. Every time you pass an exam, or your graduating, this question automatically haunts you down. I remember finishing my High School and suddenly everywhere I went, I found myself surrounded by it. Even now, as I’m coming near to the end of my Undergraduate life, this questions have been spreading around like a rumor or moreover like a fire again. I remember shrugging when people asked me about my future plans and distract them by a smile (smiles are always the best distraction you can ever get/give) because most of the time I never knew an answer.

I do not plan out my life. I know what they say about planning being the half work completed but I never do that. May be it’s because of my laziness or insecurity or worse, my confusion with what I want to do with my life. Even studying Bachelor’s and doing what I’m doing today was more than just a last-minute decision, it was the chance I took, whether I was meant to do that or not. It’s not that I don’t believe planning will not be implemented because I know, if you really work hard; even the impossible dream becomes the reality. It’s just that most of the time what I want will immediately change into something I’ll never want for myself. I get influenced (and probably manipulated as well) easily and do not stick to decisions. And if in case, I do have a plan, I’m afraid to spell the beans out. Instead, I let those plans die inside me.

Lately, I have been giving a thought about what I want to do after being a Graduate. I know that I don’t want to work and have a 9-5 jobs and I may not like to sit around in the house as well. Every time when people ask me, especially my family and friends, I keep mum. I have thoughts alright, but I do not have courage to tell them. One reason is that have a frequent mind change. My plans, in case I have, change a lot even within a short time frame like a day or week. So when they ask me, “What’s Next?” I shrug instead. But like I just mentioned above, I have been thinking a lot. I have been thinking about what I would love to do, once I pass out from my college. All the places I want to go and stay and get inspired. All the people I want to meet and learn from them. And all the things I want to do that’s going to make me happy and inspired all the time. But most importantly, I want to live my life.

Every time I think about my future life, I see myself in casual dresses, my hair tied into braids and a pair of sandals. I see myself walking the creepy alleys of Kathmandu Valleys, cold and congested or passing time in the busiest-full of chaos chowks  and watching people and the crowd. I see myself sipping coffee and reading a book or just scribbling in my notes. I see myself going to rural places and making their life easier, and inspiring them. I see myself doing these things not only in my country but abroad as well.

But I know, to do these stuffs,  I need money like lots of  money. And to have those money, I need to earn doing those 9-5 jobs I hate. And I know that once I  start doing that job, I won’t be able to take a break and do the above mentioned stuffs. And one day,  I’ll get old and then remember that all the things  I wanted to do but could not do. And probably I’ll die with lots of regrets. I do not want to wait till I’m 30-40 to do those stuffs. I always imagined doing them when I’m in my twenties and probably settle down (no, not getting married) with slowing down of my Gypsy life somewhere but not ending it.

But I do not see a way out. Many people who inspires me like my favorite writer Paulo Coelho says, ” Do not wait for the right time, just do it.” But I don’t know how I am going to do it. I have 3 more months to figure out the way and hopefully I can, but still the doubt and the fear is there. I just don’t want to get paralyzed by them. Hope, my dreams are meant to be, and that it is written.

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