Going back to being a Child

I was walking home when I saw her. A little girl in her school uniform. was dancing in the street with her hands held high, sometimes jumping and while other times, just moving around. She reminded me of my childhood, when I used to give the backpack to my brother while I danced as we returned home from school.  And then after few months, I saw another little girl with her mom. She had a short hair just like my younger days. And the way the mother-daughter duo talked was exactly like how my mom and I used to talk. I had a flashback of my childhood days as the mother slept in the bus while the daughter kept on talking. That usually happened every time I travelled with my mom. It actually made me cry a little as I remembered the good old days. But as I thought about the past, I figured that nothing has changed between me and my mother. For her I’m still a 5 year old kid and for me, she will always be the best mother and a guardian angel. I realized that even after coming into teenage years, I still feel safe with her, I still need her every time I’m sick and that I still want her voice to be the first one I hear when I wake up in the morning.

But lately, well not exactly lately, it’s been a long time since I have been worried about a certain things. I have and known so much about the childhood innocence and curiosity that I am afraid of letting go of that childhood. I’m scared of waking up one day and not feel the same like I did when I was a kid. That I’ll get worrisome, will not have faith, will forget my dreams and so on. That I’ll grow up to be a grumpy old woman who does nothing but complaining. I have seen so many people who has changed form their childhood years in so many ways as they struggle to keep their faith in god, love and dreams alive, as they fight battle of survival every single day. I don’t want that for my life. I want to learn new things, meet new people, still believe in dreams and angels. I want to still be excited about things like children are and be non-judgmental. I don’t want to turn into an indifferent person as I grow up. Instead, I want to explore and express my emotions and feelings as more as possible. I do not want to see my mom and not feel safe. I want what I felt or had when I was a kid.

So I try do lots of things to keep my childlike things alive. I spent most of the time with my little cousins as I encourage them and I behaved like one at every chance I got. And since I am usually the youngest one in any of my group, it hasn’t been that hard to do so as all my friends treat me as their little sister. But still, for me it is not enough. Doing all of those stuffs still leave me incomplete. So I had been searching so many methods in so many places, trying to keep my childishness alive in any whatsoever ways. And one day I got enlightened.

It so happened as I talked with my mother as usual. She is in her early 50s and most of her days are pretty much the same. Waking up early in the morning (probably at 4 or 5 am), then preparing breakfast for at least one of the family member (as there’s always someone in the family who has to leave early), then making tea and waking me up and preparing breakfast to rest of the family, then she goes to office  (which is 1 hour bus ride away). She comes home around 5 o’clock in the afternoon, sometimes even 6 if she missed the 1st bus home. She then has tea and then starts making dinner. After dinner, she then cleans the kitchen and do the rest of the work and watch a little of her favourite soap opera before going to bed.This has been going on as far as I can remember.

It’s amazing how mom finds time to share a small joke or thoughts with me in the bed even if she is really tired and really sleep. Recently, she started taking computer class in her office. Although it means that she’ll be reaching home as late as 7:30, I could actually see changes in her that I never saw before. So as she prepared to go to bed, I entered her room and slipped in her bed quietly as usual. After laying in the bed, I asked her casually, “So, what happened in your computer class?” Suddenly, she was all excited. She told me about how she and her friends (all in their mid age) learnt to open computer and use start button and so on. From that night, almost every night I started asking about how her classes went. She started telling me about how other students deleted her files and she was shouting at her teacher, screaming for help. She told me how she learnt to use paint and practiced typesala and so on. All this time, while she was telling about her classes and her new discoveries in the computer, I felt as if I was talking to a child. Her eyes twinkled and i could see that she was happy. The way she expressed was the way a child would do when it learns of new things.

So now I know what I need to do. I need to learn new things all the time if I still want to feel like a child. I need to let myself go and share with my mom as I always do. So, I have already made list of things I wish to learn like learn a new language (probably Spanish or Tibetan), learn to paint, learn to play guitar and the list goes on and on and on. So, now I can finally be relieved and do not have to worry about losing my child-fulness. and you can also do so. Just make a list and learn new things. And thank you Mom, for guiding me again as always and yes, I LOVE YOU a LOT!!!!

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